Tag Archives: understanding

“Mine…”

A friend of mine once advised me against giving all of myself away, and shared with me that some things should be “just for me”.  I was familiar with the concept…even wrote about it years before…but when I heard it at that precise moment, it “clicked” in a different way.

We’ve all, at some point, either witnessed or gone through the “Mine!” phase that all children go through.  That experience of joyfully playing with a toy, or sitting in a loved one’s lap, and another “competitor” (who usually doesn’t even realize they’re such) comes up and wants to share that experience…  All of a sudden something (or someone) that was taken for granted and the implied eternal loyalty of our now extra-beloved friend or object is “at stake” of being compromised, and there is a sudden surge of possessiveness that rises up and those infamous furrowed eyebrows and the barked “Mine!” appear out of nowhere.

What happens when that beloved object is one’s sense of self?

With the advent of reality television, I’ve noticed an increased use of video diaries and even recently watched a documentary that was formatted in this way for about half of the time.  These video diaries contained many of the most intimate parts of the documentary footage, because it wasn’t just observing the person’s life and interpreting a set of events…the video diary portion was the person’s actual thoughts, emotions, revelations, fears, and so on – a journey into the very “self” of the person.  From these diaries it was fairly easy to connect to how that person actually was outside of the persona that was projected in [or inferred by the] public.

Of course, they chose to make these diaries public, but I find a lot of value in just the act of creating them to begin with.  Video or audio diaries have a different depth than the traditional written diary, and here’s why: we can audibly verbalize much quicker than we can write.  And for a person whose mind is full of ideas, heart is full of emotions, and who receives understanding and makes certain connections as the thoughts come sometimes those moments can be lost in trying to put ink to paper.  Seems weird and might not make sense, but the temptation is to “edit” what’s written, whereas a video or audio diary just “is what it is” typically.  Conversely, a written diary seems to encourage a decision about which thoughts to actually pen, so reviewing it tends to read with the fascination of a novel.

Nevertheless, keeping a diary of ANY form has value because most of us have far too many thoughts and ideas to stay “squoze” (yes, squoze…keep it movin’) up inside.  And taking just a brief moment to get them out in SOME kind of way is much healthier than keeping them bottled up and trying to “sort through” them…that’d be kinda like dressing a baby before it’s born – good luck with that.

Another benefit of keeping a diary is having a “friend” to talk to, without bitching about the same shit and eventually realizing they’re not really paying you much attention anyway…you have become white noise.  With a diary, there’s no misinterpretation of intent or meaning and therefore no temptation to offer advice where there was none requested, and no hurt feelings when that advice is ignored or when the action taken seems to be completely opposite what was “advised”.  With a diary, you can be as silly, zany, discombobulated, confused, concerned, opinionated, angry, frustrated, inventive, deep, upset, emotional, revealing, perverted, experimental, curious, steadfast, strong…(you get the point)…as you wanna be, and no one is judging you except you.

Of course, thinking about it, hopefully we all have at least one person who comes to mind as our living/breathing diary…and we cherish that person to no end.  Maybe that person is even our chosen life partner.  But for illustration purposes, that person is excluded right now, because even with that person, as implied in the beginning of this entry, some things should be “just yours”.  And this is not to discount the value of that relationship…it’s actually to preserve it.  We know how WE need a break from our thoughts at times, so if another person is receiving them all the time how do they have time or space for their own?

So getting back to the concept of “mine”…  I’m the first of many siblings (I have 6 of them, to be exact), so I had to share all the time.  It wasn’t an option to keep anything for just myself.  I had a brief period in my teenage years where I was alone, but as a very involved teenager I still didn’t learn how to tend to “just me”, or that I SHOULD actually learn how to “be”, independent of outside feedback.  It was just habit to seek counsel and advice from everyone and everywhere except my own core.  Is there value in having another perspective besides our own?  That goes without saying.  But if external feedback is the primary sustenance for our personal growth, therein lies a serious problem.

Allow me, for just a brief moment to make an important and controversial observation.  Raised as a Christian, I was taught by well-intended Bible believers that we should “trust in the Lord with all [our] heart, and lean NOT to [our] own understanding.”  So how or why would I ever learn to trust myself to make good decisions without first seeking my warped concept of God?  What I thought or felt didn’t matter, unless it aligned with what my concept of God said was the right thing.  And how did I access that concept?  By comparing notes with other “believers” to ensure a right interpretation of what I thought I should do.  In retrospect, to call this dysfunctional and crippling would be an understatement.

I held onto this way of existence for a very long time, relatively speaking.  [I’m only 38, so it hasn’t been “that” long.]  And it wasn’t until fairly recently that my understanding of “God” evolved into fully accepting that I actually AM God.  How did I come to this heretical stance?  It is impossible to take anything from infinity.  And if God is all there is and my being here is just another expression of the infinity of that very God-energy, then I am still that same energy…just manifesting in another form.  Therefore, being cloaked in this human shell that I wear, my experiences and upbringing merely taught my human form how to be and perform in this world.  This means that “seeking God”, “praying”, and other terms for connecting to our understanding of what or who God is means actually pausing our humanity and stilling our minds to allow ourselves to more clearly express the divinity that we are…where we “know the Truth, and the Truth makes us free”.  Only when we marry ourselves to the idea that what we need is outside of ourselves or somehow away from us or NOT us, do we find ourselves fumbling, stumbling, and otherwise just plain ol’ fuckin’ up. (My humanity came back.)

And this is where a diary is helpful.  Because no matter how many times I forget who or what I am, I can go back and process my own madness to once again arrive at a place of not only functioning but maximizing my life experience with a renewed sense of self.  I can walk away from those pages, that recorder, or that camera and know that I was able to work my way through some of the clutter without burdening another soul…and what’s left is all “MINE”.

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Sexual musings – MATURE CONTENT

Fucking.  If you can’t make it past this word, then this article might not be for you.  Because what I’m pondering here is something that goes beyond a mere profane word, and might go a little deeper or be a little more graphic or “other” than what some will feel comfortable with.  So “fucking”, is essentially like being tossed into a chilly swimming pool to shock the system, rather than being given the opportunity to ease into it slowly.  So if you’re still reading, you might be shaking a little, but I’m assuming your mind is open and you might not get lost before the end.  If not, adequate warning has now been given.  Alright, here goes…

What is sex?  When most of us think of it, we’re thinking of the physical contact between genitalia.  And by definition, that’s technically what sexual contact is…the joining, stimulation, or manipulation of sexual organs.  And for the purposes of keeping this from becoming a full dissertation, I won’t delve into what constitutes a sexual organ (but anyone who’s successfully survived puberty should know that sexual stimulation goes far beyond the penis, breasts, and clitoris/vagina…more on that at another time).

One thing I’ve wondered is why is sex such a triggered response to so many emotions and scenarios?  It’s almost like eating…and in some cases, it IS eating (and this is usually quite welcomed).  Sad?  Have sex; it’s a great picker-upper (MUCH better than any paper towel, for sure…and hopefully not so “quick”).  Happy?  Celebrate it with sex (nothing says “I love you” like a great session of head/face, hair-pulling, back-scratching, and ass smacking…sounds more violent than it really is).  Pensive?  Sex can help clear the mind and release those endorphins, so the thoughts come more clearly (no pun intended; eh…okay, maybe a little).

I recently had a very stimulating and provocative conversation with a friend, and at the end of that conversation I was primed and ready for some pretty intense sexual activity…and the conversation was as NON-SEXUAL as it could get.  This shocked the hell outta me.  Because I was wondering why the hell that conversation had me so “open”.  I had been stimulated in every way EXCEPT sexually, and felt so “full” and vibrant, yet grounded and at peace, that I literally wanted to be filled with more of that.  Not that friend, but that which matched me.  In that moment, my reality was missing nothing, I felt whole and awake, and my senses were alert.  A “booty call” wouldn’t have done the job.  It was as if the infinity of my soul had opened and I wanted to drink in (figuratively and literally) and connect with more of my own infinity…and no, masturbating wasn’t the answer either.  Nah…right then, I wanted to connect with my own infinite match.  It wasn’t a “longing” so much as it was a readiness to receive, and a desire to pour out more of myself…so I’m writing.

And this experience brings me to the topic of casual sex.  I was raised to believe that it was wrong…period.  No explanation given, other than it went against God, defiled my body and created “soul ties” – whatever that meant.  My comprehension of those concepts was far below what was needed to make sense of any of it.  But now I get it.  And my understanding is expanded…probably to the point of heresy of the original context, but that’s not my concern or problem.  So let me break down my understanding for you…

  • Going against God means going against myself…because I AM God.  Aw shit…did I lose you?  I’m not the “concept” of God that is prayed to, worshipped, or glorified…I AM the same energy that whatever God-concept you subscribe to is.  Think about it…if that energy is infinite, how can I (or you) be anything other than the same?  Infinity cannot be separated. Just sit with that for a bit…you won’t go to hell for it.  Casual sex does not honor that which I am, because by the very general understanding of casual sex (non-committal and non-obligatory sexual relations) it cannot.  It’s like going to the bathroom…you don’t have to have a relationship with the toilet in order to release into it; just “handle business” and be done with it.
  • Having casual sex doesn’t defile my body any more than the other shit we do that doesn’t encourage optimal health, such as drinking alcohol, eating fatty foods, being around people with toxic attitudes, or speeding.  But I’m not going around rebuking a bag of chips nor feeling the need for an altar call after driving 9 miles over the speed limit (they ticket at 10+ mph over…ain’t nobody got time for that).  But since all that I “am” is currently utilizing this body, these are things that could jeopardize how long I get to experience this side of eternity if practiced frivolously.
  • Lastly, sex is not the only activity that creates ties to people we don’t necessarily want or need to be connected to.  So banning sex on the principle of being “unequally yoked” is like denying a road trip, or forbidding the lending or borrowing of money…which probably SHOULD be forbidden, but I digress…  Sex in a casual sense can create an illusion of oneness and implies obligation to the other person (I mean really…it’s not a simple handshake).  So it stands to reason that I would be prudent about who I invite into my intimate space and bind myself to.  Because even if I KNOW that things are supposed to be casual, if that person gets sick in their body you can bet your last dollar that I’m going to be(come) concerned and want to know what’s going on…because they were once a part of me, literally.

All that being said, I’m not a fan of casual sex, but it’s not because of a religious directive against it…although there was nothing inherently wrong with the directive.  Except that once I grew into an understanding of my own, I felt like what I was told before was manipulative and fear-inciting.  But hey…whatever gets the job done, right?  Problem is, I still had casual sex and know countless other religious folks who got that same message and still “got it in” on a regular basis…so the “job”?  Yeah…not done.

I don’t care for it because, for ME (others may feel differently), of the lack of perception involved.  I need understanding.  I want to understand and be understood.  To see and be seen.  If there is a significant lack of essential understanding between myself and the other person, I find it difficult to become or remain sexually attracted to them…no matter how physically attractive, smart, charming, etc. a person may be.  If we don’t “get” each other, we probably won’t GET each other…what’s the point?

And when I forego a sexual encounter, it doesn’t mean I’m judging the person…I’m simply acknowledging a dissonance in our understandings.  It’s not that I’m any better than that person, but I’m wanting a certain type of connection.  One that strokes not only my “lady parts”, but perceives the vast fullness of my being.  Along those lines, I’ve had encounters where no sexual gratification was involved, but because of the perception experienced I felt compelled to unite all of myself (genitalia included) to that person.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had and enjoyed meaningless sex a number of times.  But these days, not so much.  I can stimulate myself – I’m very good at it, I know what I like, and there’s no performance anxiety.  And yes, there are times when my physical orifices are all but screaming out to be fed in every sense of the word.  But the idea that I would invite someone into my space that I don’t truly perceive and who has no idea of “who” or what I am pretty much keeps me from pursuing it.  [But as “enlightened” as I am, I’m still human…if he finds “that” spot before my coochie shield is securely in place, it’s a wrap.]

And dammit…I STILL went in directions I hadn’t planned on taking in this writing.  But apparently, it wanted out.  There you have it.  Stay tuned; there’s more still to come…