Tag Archives: healing

Chasing Bad Guys

Police-sirens-and-lights

I’ve come to realize that “chasing bad guys” is EXHAUSTING!  Not in the sense of being a police officer (although I have been called that a time or two…THOUSAND), nor in the sense of being the chick that likes the so-called “bad boy” type. I’m talking about the temptation of general suspicion that follows a “fall”, if you will, of a personality or institution that was once held in high regard, or to a standard that all but ensured CERTAIN failure…no matter how long it took to become evident.

It’s so easy to become cynical (or even sinister) in the face of major disappointment…but what good does that do? It becomes a toxin that seeps into every fiber of one’s being and eats away at the very soul. Life becomes a moot point, and everyone becomes a potential enemy or betrayer.  Just thinking about such an existence, I can feel the very cellular makeup in my body changing and the energy becoming stale…

This is not to imply that one should necessarily go through life with rose-colored glasses and blinders on to the very real evils and lack of integrity and noble character that in fact DO EXIST. However, to suspect EVERYONE of such “possible” failure, or live in such a way that infers a defensive offense is the perfect way to make it through life having merely “existed” or “done time” on the earth.  One can’t possibly fully experience life’s beauty, wonder, Love, and divine exchange while being engrossed in such a dreary outlook.

I particularly appreciate Max Ehrmann’s encouragement in his 1927 poem Desiderata to “…exercise caution…but let this not blind you to what virtue there is…” This has been true from the beginning of time, but as the media relishes in glorifying and sensationalizing every negative happening, it is even more critical that we become aware of the air of light that is all around us!

We only notice the negative so prominently because it is NOT NORMAL.  Think about it… The air we breathe in is most commonly good.  Yet the only time we “notice” it is when something foul comes along and we go into maniac mode (at least I do) to try to get rid of whatever “not normal” stench is disturbing the norm. The same can be said of crime, disease (whether physical, emotional, or spiritual), and any other “evil” we perceive.

To be honest, I believe that conspiracies do exist. I believe we live and function in so many broken systems that it would drive us to literal insanity were we to REALLY know what goes on behind the scenes.  But I also believe in the inherent good that IS THE NORM. It is the air we breathe. I believe in the ultimate triumph of good over evil, and that our being here is somehow part of the solution to whatever ails the nations.

So instead of spending my energy chasing bad buys and “confirming” my (and the rest of the world’s) suspicions, I’m choosing to learn how to become aware of these rarities…while desperately fighting to strengthen my link in the chain of healing.  I believe this is the most productive use of my life.

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Truth Hurts: Trayvon Martin Commentary

Trayvon Martin Hoodie

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a very sensitive and passionate person.  But even without that knowledge, it should not be a surprise that my heart is deeply grieving for the outcome of the Zimmerman case.

Unlike many in our country, I wasn’t glued to my t.v. screen nor was I following various feeds online as the case was unfolding.  I don’t watch or follow the news like that…that kind of energy is just too much for me to ingest on a regular basis.  But knowing what I DO know about the situation, I am hurt beyond adequate words about what the Zimmerman verdict implies about the [lack of] sanctity of African-American life in our country.  But, sadly, I’m not shocked.

There has been much talk these days about race and just how “real” racism and/or racial disparity is and continues to persist.  And many of our Caucasian counterparts are challenged by the sudden “in-your-face-ness” of our frustration, disappointment, and even anger in response to the outcome.  And while I’m only going to say this for context (and probably piss off some in the process), I believe that the African-American community now understands the disgust that rose up when the O.J. Simpson verdict came down.  Different situation, but similar context…racial tensions at their height, very emotionally charged cases, and seemingly clear-cut would-be outcomes.  But both were turned on their ears, in shocking upsets.

And while the Zimmerman trial wasn’t as dynamic a circus as the Simpson trial, it is important to note that both outcomes were made possible by the way our justice system is set up…each defendant has a right to a trial by a jury OF HIS/HER PEERS – NOT the peers of the victim(s).  Because in both cases, had the jury consisted of the peers of the deceased, both cases would have produced quite different outcomes.

It’s also important to note that in both cases, it was disgusting and absolutely ridiculous the lengths that the defense went to in order to try to smear the name and character of the deceased in order to “fight” for their client.  And while I’d like to tread very lightly here, I’m going to throw in the possibility that the guilt of the defense attorney of the 1st case led to his ultimate undoing.  I can only imagine how the same (guilt) might carry out for the defense in the 2nd case eventually.  I don’t wish it, but karma is a mother bitch…especially when you KNOW better.  A paycheck or “job” to do doesn’t negate the power of the seed being sown.

Nevertheless, my heart goes out to the family and loved ones of Trayvon Martin, and I can only imagine how disheartened they must feel.  First, they lost their son to a senseless slaying, and THEN to pour salt into that wound OUR justice system pretty much called it a truce…AFTER dragging Trayvon’s name and character through the mud.  It really is shameful.

It’s shameful that our justice system is SO marred that this type of major public travesty can happen at least TWICE without there being SOME kind of revision to such racially tense cases.  I’m not a politician, and have no desire to be one.  Nor am I an attorney or legislator, and what I’m about to suggest may be as “kindergarten” as it comes…  But the issue of race ABSOLUTELY needs to be WRITTEN INTO the way these cases are handled.  It’s not as simple as trying one man for the murder of another…because the man who was killed, in cases such as this, wasn’t even viewed as a man – he was essentially hunted prey.  And I’m not just talking in the case where the deceased is a black man…it works the other way as well.  Once the elements of the case are introduced and the subject of race is broached, everything relating to the case needs to be dealt with through that context as it is now highly probable as a motive.  Again, maybe I’m looking at it too simply.  But all the “technicalities” have allowed MANY a guilty party to walk, and MANY MORE innocent ones to pay for the crimes of those walking free.

Personally, I’m just exhausted of it all.  I really do understand Rodney King’s infamous “can’t we all just get along?” question.  And unfortunately, there is a simple answer immediately available: NO.  As long as different cultures exist, and there are those who come from and are taught (aka “programmed”) by descendants of ignorance, this kind of madness will continue.  We’ll never all “just get along”.  That’s not being pessimistic…that’s acknowledging fact.

Do you think George Zimmerman would have given Trayvon Martin so much as a second glance had he been regularly exposed to NEUTRAL and UNBIASED experiences with African-Americans growing up?  Do you think it would have entered his mind to shoot and kill that young man had he been taught to have a healthy respect for the urban culture that dressed Trayvon…even if it wasn’t his own personal preference?  Lemme TRULY take it back to kindergarten and ask this…  Do you think he would have been following Trayvon had he learned the simple courtesy of personal space???  (Following a stranger…no, PURSUING a stranger…is a DEFINITE violation of personal space.)  He certainly wouldn’t have gotten to the point of murdering that young man had he learned about the sanctity of life and valuing others who don’t look, act, or live like him.  There’s much more to say here, but you get my point, I hope.

It used to be that African-Americans moved from certain undesirable conditions to try to escape the typical dramas of living in such conditions – namely violent acts.  But this case demonstrates that moving to a “better” community can be just as (if not MORE) dangerous as (than) staying put because if our sons don’t look like they “belong” there and we don’t dress ’em up to “look the part” it’s pretty much okay to gun them down because some ignorant ass is playing neighborhood watch vigilante.  Shame on Trayvon’s parents for not teaching him the “dangers” of BEING a young black man.  Are you SERIOUS???

But as disgusting and frustrating as this all is, we shouldn’t let it end in disgust and frustration…because it only breeds more of the same.  And no, we’re not going to change the world, our county, or even our home overnight.  But we can start.  We can start with truly sitting with whatever we’re feeling surrounding the way things existing as they do right now.  Feeling all of what we feel…then allowing it to pass, so we can move into productive expression and forward movement.  BE pissed off.  BE hurt.  BE angry.  BUT don’t stay there.  Those things are toxic if we let them stay long enough…and they poison our OWN system.  The saying “[harboring negative emotions] is like drinking poison, and expecting the other person to die” is always good to internalize and is a great reminder.

So how do we move forward?  I think it’s important to call a spade a spade, and work within the framework of whatever exists AS it exists today…WHILE working toward what truly IS possible.  And ALL things are possible.  It is TOTALLY possible for us all to live in harmony and peace with one another, in a perfect world.  But, as we all know, our world is not perfect…nor will it ever be.  Again, not being pessimistic…just stating fact.  But, just as our President mentioned in his response to the Zimmerman trial, we can absolutely work toward a “MORE” perfect world…and it starts right here within our own borders.

Working toward a more perfect world means teaching respect, encouraging dialogue, providing a safe space to get understanding, and not taking ourselves so damned seriously.  NONE of us have ALL of the answers.  And we all NEED each other.  Not to sound like an after-school special or corny “world” song, but it’s true.  And we can’t teach it to the world – not even within our borders – if we don’t first teach it at home.

Dr. King’s dream may be in a choke hold right now…but it still lives.  I would even go so far as to say it’s no longer his dream – it should be ours.  We’re still here.  We have been given the divine gift of life, just as those who transitioned before us and who once actively walked and breathed and had the power to “do” in this realm.  We can still make change happen.  We can still impact the generations with whom we’ve been entrusted.  I’ll take it a step further, and say that we shouldn’t give up on ourselves and our own generations (whatever age we are) because life itself is evidence that change is possible…we can always choose a new direction, even if our old habit has been undesirable.  When we know better, we can do better.

When we lose a loved one, we often hear “don’t let their death have been in vain”.  And while that’s a noble idea, unless their death directly and immediately causes a possible change event, those quite honestly are just words said to try to draw a silver lining around a painful situation.  The more accurate encouragement is that we not let our own LIVES be in vain.

I have one friend who was so moved that she started a community page on Facebook that JUST honors and celebrates sons. (http://www.facebook.com/pages/I-Have-a-Son) Others will begin awareness and/or empowerment campaigns within their own communities, or choose to get involved in mentoring programs that already exist.

What will YOU do to begin to be and create the change you want to see in the world…?  Because unless this IS your perfect world, “nothing” is not a viable option.


Pain Therapy

tears10I used to feel like it was my “duty” to make a loved one feel better when they were going through tough times.  Like it was my personal responsibility to squeeze a smile out of them, or let them know that it was all “going to be okay”.  What I’ve come to realize is that while it is absolutely natural to want to ease the pain of a loved one who may be suffering in some way, sometimes the most important value comes in just (as corny as it sounds) being there.

The gray area is in our independent interpretations of what “being there” actually means.  For many of us (and I was included in this number), it means trying to go to battle for our loved one.  If we deem that they are having a temporary setback, and it has weakened their ability to maintain the person WE know them to be, we want to do whatever we can to try to make THAT person “come back”.  And on a very surface level, it’s sweet.  You know, to want to help a person keep from bottoming out and feeling and experiencing what actually usually are very real emotions, thoughts, and realizations about a situation with which they’re faced.

But if we REALLY think about it, it’s kinda selfish.  Of course, that’s not usually our intention though.  But it’s really wanting to numb or relieve their pain so WE can feel better, knowing that they’re okay…or at least pretending to be.  Why?  Because when a loved one is hurting, so are we.  When they’re in pain, it hurts us.  When they’re otherwise wounded, it pierces our hearts and makes us uncomfortable.  It reminds us of how little control we have and how much our peace of mind is tied to what’s going on with other people – especially those with whom we share strong connections.

We listen…to a point.  Then starts the “encouragement” talk.  We hear the pain…for a minute.  Then we try to find a way to turn around the conversation and make it lighter and to distract them from the hurt, the disappointment, disillusionment, or whatever is the ailment of the moment.  It is one of the greatest challenges of our humanity to share carrying another’s burden of pain.  It tests our own fortitude because it’s not even OUR issue!  But because we’ve chosen to exchange intimate energy with them, we get to experience what they go through…if they trust us enough to let us in during such a time.

Of course not all of our efforts to provide relief to our vulnerable counterparts stem from selfish motives, but the purpose of this post is to spark reflection the next time a loved one trusts you with such a tender moment of opportunity.  Because the opportunity in that moment may not be to tell them everything’s going to be okay.  Sometimes that only exacerbates matters and deepens a sense of alone-ness and misunderstanding.

The real opportunity in that moment is to be a listening ear, a loving bosom, and/or a gentle and non-judging caregiver.  Not every observation of a “crack in the armor”, if you will, is a cry for help or for us to fly in and try to save the day.  Oftentimes, we save the day just by being there to honor them in their moment of truth.  Now, don’t get me wrong, some folks need a swift kick in the ass and some tough love, or to be dragged out of a drunken stupor of self-pity.  And is there value in hearing comforting words of wisdom or concern in moments of crisis?  Aaaaabsolutely!  But many more times, we’re unable to distinguish or make an accurate assessment because we’re blinded by our own discomfort and the need for things to be “normal” so WE can be okay.

So the next time you find yourself being privy to someone’s nakedness, in whatever way it happens, challenge yourself to “do” absolutely nothing except let them feel that you have brought all of yourself (or at least as much as you can honestly offer) to the moment and that you’re willing to ride it out with them.  And truthfully, that speaks more volumes than any encouraging words you could have mustered up anyway.