I feel like I need to preface this post with a warning: I am highly wired and have lots of rogue and non-funneled thoughts competing for expression right now. So I’ll write as coherently as I can right now, but I make no guarantees of fluidity OR that where this post ends up will have ANYTHING to do with where it starts. Just go with me as far as you can, and if I lose you just meet me back at Walmart (you know they have everything there) and we can compare notes.
February is one of the most inspirational months for me…and confusing. Single or “boo’d up” you don’t know whether to create expectations and be hopeful, or to err on the side of caution and pretend not to care whether you are or become the center of a private affection festival. [Personally, I prefer to treat every day as something special, because this way, whatever happens or doesn’t happen on the national day to recognize loved ones is neither here nor there and only complements what’s already a normal and natural occurrence. BUT I digress…] All the external presentations are okay, but what is most inspiring about this month is similar to what is contagiously inspiring in December. It’s a reiteration of the idea that anything is possible. The possibility that at least one significant dream “just might” come true…or that I’ll at least be able to get a whiff or glimpse of it, even if it’s in the distance. I can hold onto the notion that “something” magical is in the air and that good things will come. And no matter what, I hold onto this notion in Love.
Although, there is one subnotion (Oh yeah…I make up words. Don’t judge me; think of it as a riddle that you get to figure out) that has recently caused me angst…and it is that of marriage and choosing (and being chosen as) a lifelong partner. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that I am in love with Love and all the incredible things that I believe it fortifies one to be able to do. Aside from the frustration, disappointment, anxiety, and occasional discomfort of loving another fallible human being, I honestly believe that those who wisely choose partners who match and/or expand their own realizations of life and the Universe have an advantage in life that cannot be bought or taught. Something about having another kindred soul to connect and partner with gives us a certain protective shield and/or a cozy place to land when trials come. There is an invincibility that we acquire when we know beyond all shadow of doubt that our kindred partner is covering us with their encouragement, support, laughter, compassion, accountability, understanding, and forgiveness. It is a superpower, and available in abundance, but with relationship statistics being what they are it would appear that only a relatively few people “get it right”…which leads me to my angst.
As much as I TRULY believe in the core of my being that lasting and genuine Love is possible, I wonder and fantasize about the choosing part. I don’t know that I subscribe to the idea of “the one”, because I believe that we are all the same energy…but depending on our experiences, environmental programming, what has taken hold and affixed itself to our Truth that may be obscuring the view or understanding of that Truth, we are experiencing ourselves as we TRULY are in varying degrees of accuracy. As such, we tend to find ourselves attracted to partners who match our own understanding and perception of who we are as energy. Whether that energy expresses itself the same way that we have chosen is something completely different; and actually many times we are more fascinated by expressions that are different than we are because it adds variety and intrigue to our experience. [I promise I’m not smokin’ herb…stay with me.] Nevertheless, amid a world so full of illusion, there is something mysterious and magical about the process of choosing a mate. It seems to be as miraculous as creating human life.
Think about it. In order for a baby to be born, there are a number of small miracles (an oxymoron indeed) that have to take place; from the millions of sperm that have to fight to the literal death in order for “the one” to plow its way through the ovum’s membrane just to BEGIN to work on multiplying itself, remembering to grow all body parts, while keeping other traits embedded that will develop at the proper time. This includes traits that will allow the baby to endure its violent and traumatic delivery (no matter how serene the environment, there is still blood shed) and squeeze through that narrow ass gateway into this period of eternity, to do what exactly…? Trust that who s/he is being born to will be as trusting and humble as they are in learning how to create the best environment to sustain and optimize the unique presentation of energy that they are. Thus the term “miracle of life”. And I maintain that the same holds true for choosing a life partner.
Removing the element of eras (and the couple billion years that life has existed on earth), just consider the billions of people that currently live on the earth. Then dwiddle that down to the various continents, countries, cities, counties, neighborhoods, ethnicities, social and demographic cliques/groups, religious faiths, and personal preferences that exist within ALL of those. Factor in jobs, social gatherings, volunteer opportunities, grocery store visits, and other opportunities for people to interact. Then figure in schedules, finding/making the time to get to know another person, emotional intelligence to recognize a potential connection, introduce families and friends, fend off mal-intended observers and other relationship viruses, while building a fort strong enough to make it through tough times, misunderstandings, and hormonal changes…PHEW! There’s far more behind the scenes than just catching eyes across a crowded room…how did you both end up in that room at THAT precise time and present yourselves in such a way that would signal to the other that you finally found each other in the first place? A series of intricate miracles.
I like to think that I have a relatively vivid imagination, but I don’t know if I can accurately imagine what that moment of choosing will be like. As a woman, I have my own whimsical ideas of romance and what it might be like to be swept off my feet by someone who just “gets” me. I’ve evolved through the stage of believing he’s supposed to be able to read my mind…buuuuttt I do anticipate that in all of those “miracles” of connecting that he would have learned those things that make me light up and have the most significance. Conversely, I imagine that I’ll learn how to anticipate him and be confident in my own understanding of who we are and be able to pour back into our union what is needed and desired to maintain a healthy flow of who and what we are.
But specifically, I’m referring to making the conscious decision to focus on maintaining a garden of Love that nurtures and affirms our unique partnership. Because, while there could have been (or even still be) the possibility of meeting other attractive aspects of ourselves in someone besides each other, that we would purposely close the door on any alternate reality (thereby no longer accepting it as an alternative) and intentionally choose to create a home and life with each other alone just baffles, bewilders, and overwhelms me in the best possible way. But honestly, I think a part of me would panic. The perfectionist myth that is a part of me would wonder if I’m “really” making the right decision. And what if either one of us is missing some key information or understanding about the other? What if as we continue to evolve we wind up at different places? What if we are attracted to the “idea” of one another as we envision the other’s “potential” self to be, rather than the reality of who we really are AS we are…and that potential never materializes as we thought?
Call me a fool, but I think I’d rather take the risk. Because I’m imagining under what circumstances I would actually consider taking such a conversation seriously and under just those circumstances alone, I would “know”. At that point, it would be much less a mental processing and analysis and more a stripping down to the bare bones and skinny dipping in the natural flow of things…nothing to taint or color the decision. Nothing to slow me down from saying “Yes!” emphatically and from a place of raw Truth and knowing. And being prepared to live in such a way that confirms what I knew to be true in the first place…honoring myself in my partner, proud to know that where I am is exactly what I intended to create with him, and continuing to avail myself to the infinite possibilities that exist within our Universe together.
Pretty cool fantasy, huh? I’m looking forward to finding out how it actually manifests. Probably not this month. Maybe not even this year. But when it does, I’m sure it’ll blow my mind how it all came together.