As a single woman who is beyond “youthful exploration” when it comes to dating and relationships, I find my pool of options looking more and more like that tiny tank at the bottom of the circus dive. The skill and mastery required in order to “make it in” and not seriously mangle myself in the process is definitely in the “not a game” category. What follows is a peek into the journey my mind goes on when considering a potential suitor. Pack a lunch…it’s a nice li’l tour.
I “get” the whole self-esteem thing. My value of myself should not be wrapped up in how a man sees me…and it’s not. But the issue *I* have is being in love with “me” (a relationship that has taken a LIFETIME to build…but that’s the subject of an entirely different conversation), and I don’t feel like you recognize the gift that stands before you. And NO, it’s not me being “stuck-up”, “siddity”, “bitchy”, or a snob. It’s simply that I now recognize my inherent value and I’m now at peace with my Divine design, and love the “me” I see looking back at me…faults and all. So, NO, I don’t “need” you to make me feel beautiful, intelligent, fabulous, sexy, or incredible…my relationship with myself already establishes this. I’d just like to know that you recognize the masterpiece that is being presented to you. Conversely, my inclination is to do the same.
I know the temptation is for both of us to not want to “feed ego” when we give one another props. But the truth of the matter is we both deserve to be celebrated and honored for the absolutely phenomenal people that we are – individually, and as the power couple that we can be. I have no problem AT ALL scooping a healthy helping of the love I have from inside me and smearing it all over you, allowing you to glide through your days with that extra “edge” of a woman willing to share and combine “very best”s with you.
Now let’s imagine this scenario…
When I tell you that I think you’re amazing and I recognize you for the gift that you are, I know it’s not because you don’t already know this (because you also have invested time and energy into developing into the man who obviously caught my eye and heart). It’s because I want to take the time to honor an honorable man. I choose to celebrate you because I treasure you and God IN you, and I appreciate the value you add to the quality of my life and being. I love the reflection I see of myself when I’m with you and it is my distinct honor and pleasure to speak life into you and infuse you with value in the same spirit in which you infuse me. I don’t take you for granted, and every day I count you as not one but myriad blessings in my life because I can’t single out the one thing that you bring/give/add to me…my entire life is transformed because I am now a part of you, and we are an empire and a world unto ourselves.
When you use your incredibly beautiful mouth to tell me how beautiful I am, you strengthen the bond I have with myself. And since you are a man of wisdom, you understand that I can only love you as much as I love myself, and when you choose to speak life into me and strengthen and confirm my love for myself, you in turn strengthen our love and sow seed into your own future. Your building me up does not jeopardize your place in my world…it solidifies it. Your kind words, your tender touch, your passionate expression, your deliberate actions, and your genuine presence are the concrete that the foundation of our life together is built upon. The pillars, the beams, the shingles, the fixtures, and the decorations of accolades, careers, adventures, our children, and life decisions are incidental in comparison. The high winds of challenges, conflict, and outright confrontation can come at us at 1,000 miles an hour, but with a foundation as purposely strong as ours, it will pass just as quickly as it came…and like the phoenix, we rise from the rubble.
I choose to love you and let you love me. I enjoy being the first to celebrate and applaud you…because you sowed those same seeds into me long ago, and continue to water them often. My face is the first to light up when I hear of the kindhearted things you do for others…because what they receive is simply an overflow of who and what you are at home all the time. It is my joyful pleasure to take my time fulfilling your needs, because I never have to worry if my needs will be taken care of; you anticipate me and eagerly tend to needs I didn’t even know I had…and with every seed you sow into my garden, I enjoy making sure your harvest is bountiful.
This doesn’t mean that there aren’t times when we want to strangle each other. But for every one of those times, there are a thousand more of beautifully violent back scratching and hair pulling. And no, it’s not all physical…that’s merely an inevitable byproduct of the mental, spiritual, and emotional connection that we’ve worked diligently at maintaining. We communicate often – sometimes with words, but mostly in attitude and actions. Either way, there is a symphony of congruence between what we say and what we do. And simply put…I love you loving me. Not because I “need” you to love me and make me feel good. But because your love reflects the truth that I’ve finally grown into…and I am free to “be” more of my true self as your love bathes me, washes the undesirable off, and keeps me “pure”. Not in a manipulative or obsessive/possessive kind of way…but rather in a way that causes us to be almost ridiculously trusting of one another. We sow so much into each other – out of the comfort and security of our love for ourselves – that we are perfectly clear on where our harvest is. Our soil is tilled, the haters offer so much fertilizing bullshit, and the quality of the seed we sow into each other is so high that it doesn’t make sense to cultivate or farm elsewhere. And if one of us ever happens to feel “lost” in the shuffle, our consistency provides a compass back HOME…where peace, love, and trust abides.
What the Divine joins together, let no one separate.
So if you’re ready for THIS…I’m all in. If not, I’m respectfully declining the offer and staying on the train.